June 13, 2011

Right now I feel like there are no words that truly describe the rushes of feelings, or should I say lack of, that have been affecting my mind, actions, and overall demeanor. It saddens me to think that although I never pinned myself as the type of person to be wallowing in self-pity and boredom, I find that that is exactly what I’m doing. I am aware of what’s good in my life. The issue, however, is moreso that I do not feel like I am living as others seem to be living. They tell me, “You’re still young” and I nod my head as if I believe them. I don’t, though, and wish that I could turn around and go back to high school, where from there I would point myself in some other direction. This direction would be one that wouldn’t take me anywhere near where I am now; lifeless. I would prepare myself for success, and become one who regularly plans ahead. Perhaps I would have settled with one of my earlier boyfriends, or found one that honestly desired to settle with me. In another life, if I had planned it better, I would be climbing the career ladder, possibly thinking of birthing children. My parents would be proud of me because I would be married, or in this hypothetical relationship, I would know that my man had promised to himself that he would provide for our future children, and me. Instead, however, I somehow feel worthless, like I have lost any value or quality to who I am. Most upsettingly, I don’t have a clue what I’m good at, where I can excel, or where to go next. I have no one to love, not like the others around me have. Realistically, a part of me believes that I have given out all that I can, and carelessly chose who to love, who to keep, how to grow, and what to stand for. If there is anything worth believing in, I won’t come to know it. There's a barrier inside of me that hinders me from convincing myself that change is possible. Is it too late? How many young adults are in the same position as I am? I can’t seem to find a single one. There is no one to speak with, there is not a single person who truly cares to listen for another’s sake. And it has been years now, since I have written down a single word.